My Name is Paranoid

My name is Paranoid. I once left my girl supposing we could somehow get back together. I now smoke cigarettes to forget. I think, I did. If I didn't, why would I be even writing this? I am one of those idiots, who think that all the details of life are stable. I'm as paranoid as to pull the trigger that's put in my mouth. I never let the priority, don't I? Has anyone done anything before I have? Have I got anything to be upset with so that I can also be happy? 

That day, I glanced at my coffee on the table and exactly said this: "Do you know why people get happy?" I continued without waiting for another question over mine. "Because they know that some people are not." How could a person get happy if he knew that all people on the earth were happy? If all these people around the world were rich, being poor would be something wonderful.

There was an only one song in my head after these eternal discussions. Soul Kitchen by The Doors. Morrison said this:

"I light another cigarette,

Learn to forget."

How to Hit the Bottom

Sitting in a green couch in which they always get uncomfortable feelings. If only a soul-mate (if so called) fills you with blank feelings, you can just ask yourself “why am I going through this pointless relationship?” They keep saying, I love you, though. Such a meanless progress, when you are just full-filled with such emptiness. Still, you sometimes miss that feeling. This is the weird part, I think. This makes you realize that you are still a human.

Have you ever thought that you look like a chimpanzee when you are kissing the one you love? Having your lips upon her lips, such an ugly moment. Picturing people having sex is also a comedia. However, you keep enjoying this ugly moment because of your penis. I would like to say to her, “you have a moustache”. Still, girls are considered beautiful because they have cunts.

Whenever you think of your life putting in order, you always end up with this shitty result: why so serious? Because it’s never “that” serious and you just get mad at yourself. Why would you even need this person when she/he already screws up your whole life? Yet it sounds like a teenager complaining, it’s the truth itself.

As long as you realise, life is not that serious, you start worrying about others because they are way too serious. People, who are get involved with politics, for instance. Thinking their country is such a holy country, sounds like they are just bunch of losers. In fact, they completely are. Kids grow up with their idiotic bravery stories and end up the same. It’s like, you are living in this country so it must be the best one because you are the best. I think, the basic feeling behind this fascism is totally about that. You love your country because you love yourself. You think you deserve this much but you are totally fucked up. And if you realise that you are fucked up before you die, they blame you by calling you an anarchist or public enemy.

Realising that you are fucked up with all the details of your life and accepting it is sort of a total freedom. Just glide along, like the water itself. Everything goes from your life and you’re such a loser. And until you’re accepting this truth, you are totally lost. If you’d been an immortal as you thought, you wouldn’t have watched super-hero movies. You watch those stuff because it impresses you, being an immortal. Because you are totally fucked up and no one gives you a shit. In fact, some people even want you dead because of your identity.

Some say: “Pretend that you’re fine” but it’s always far away from that and you keep trying it over and over again. I’ve found my own solution: “accept the truth and confront with it” which should be accepting how your life sucks and how pathetic you are because this is the only truth. Accept all of the details one by one until the end.

“Music is your only friend,

 Until the end...” - James Douglas Morrison.

The Doors of Perception

The book “The Doors of Perception” contains two studies by Aldous Huxley. First, “The Doors of Perception” which is about Huxley’s trip with mescalin. This book explains only the story of his personal experience with mescalin. He tells about his visions while he’s under the influence of mescalin. He says that while under the influence of mescalin, we don’t care for our daily life. What would usually seem mundane in our everyday lives may turn into something vivid and vibrant because our interests change while experiencing a trip on mescalin. Example, from the mind of a writer, you don’t feel that you have to write some things. Little details are more important, in this case. For instance, Huxley focuses on the intensity of colors while on his trip with mescalin, in the book. So you may find yourself, sitting in a chair and thinking about the tissue of the couch. However, you’re not out of control when you’re under the influence of mescalin, which is good.

Second study is called “Heaven and Hell”. It raises the question “Why do we need drugs?” or “Why do we use drugs?” which contains the main reason of this process. Thus we may believe in the doors of perception.

The main thing I got from his writings is that people are thirsty for mystery; in other words, wondering about unknown. This triggers wanting to sense the environment in a different way.

In his book, he explains this curiosity with religion and some examples of visual arts. He says there is a different and unknown zone in our brains and we’re just trying to break through to it. So the ideas of “Heaven” and “Hell” may be coming from this mystery: Religion. He doesn’t focus on only one religion but many are talked about in the book.

He says, using shiny glasses in churches and mosques is about this feeling. The intensity of objects should make you feel mesmerized and stoned, to break through. So these temples take you to a sort of different dimension and you think it’s about the religion itself but he’s actually trying to say, “It’s all just illusion.”

On the other hand, there are people who feel like they’re in heaven with mescalin but there are also people who feel like they’re in hell with mescalin. So these “Heaven” and “Hell” concepts may just be about different parts of our brains. Subconscious, maybe.

He says, a person who takes mescaline will sense the environment like a schizophrenic person does; and a schizophrenic person may be happy with his hallucinations, or not. So this breaking through experience fits the story.

Maybe, we are not able to understand the whole environment with our actual minds. So these things we call “drugs” may be helping us to break on through to the other side, to sense and understand each mote as it supposed to be, as William Blake’s words:

“If the Doors of Perception were cleansed, everything would appear to men as it is, infinite.”